Friday, 26 December 2008


I am next door, in a huge house, yes..not my own..finally able to get online for a teeny bit of leisure plus work.

references galore is what i should be cruising-or better suited term is surfing for. but i thought i'd drop in and write a bit. its 2.30pm. i have 6 hours before i have, 5 hours before i have to leave for my my on-call shift at the neuro dept. for the next 24hrs. ahh. i can hardly wait.

sure, i would like to share the few experiences, funny 7 sad moments all rolled up in one day under 15 minutes of life changing actions. it's a great tribulation of feelings when you come in to see a patient whom had attack of stroke, unable to move, speak or even open his eyes..just look at you, smile his/ her crooked smile and say "Thank you."

Of course, i wasn't the dr. that treated or signed his prescriptions..but i was the junior doctor that accepted him/her and his/her family when they first came.

The rest of the days aren't as great..after a while you get stuck in a rut of routine work that you have no identifiable feelings for some patients. or so i hear my residents say...its dissapointing. thinking if you'd turn out like that.

Okay. i'm getting lost in translation already.

work is never done.

Untill then,


Putting on a smile everyday is tiring.

Telling everyone you’re fine and dandy when you have no idea how you are – even worse.

So how do I fix it? Am I depressed? Seriously?


I have so much going for me, things that some people can only dream of. But why am I not HAPPY?

Yes. I get lonely. I live in a house alone. I eat by myself. I study on my own. And watch dvd’s in the comfort of my own home ALL by myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I call up the occasional friends to go out, n have fun or just ring em up to hang out when they’re free. Maybe I don’t make enough effort to socialize.

Now? It rains. No It pours, 24 hours a day and it won’t stop. Everybody’s staying in.

The house floods when I’m not around. So I stay to make sure it doesn’t happen.

Someone told me they think I’m strong.

Me? Strong? Yeah- cos I am independent, I do everything on my own. In my defense, I don’t really know whom I can call if ever I need help.


Maybe it’s the immediate change of environment. Just 2 days back I was home, with my family and yes eventhough it was raining all day there as well; I didn’t feel this bad. I wasn’t alone.

I’m just sad,and sick.

Yep, coming down with the flu and hating it.

Damp.moldy.and cold. –that’s my address.


Thursday, 25 December 2008

nerves nerves nervess

will update soon. time is limited.


help. me.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Food oh glorious Food !

i shall miss eating soo much good food from home. *sniff*

The baking process of mini choc-chip banana-fana muffins

Cakes, cakes and more cakes

IKEA's Daim cake

Home made lompat-tikam

ZEN's : chocolate gateoux

My birthday cupcakes from Naurah! (+wondermilk.)

Big Hearty Meals

there is more.. to come. :)

Picnics, Karaokes and Baked GoOds

Picnic at Lake Gardens

The 2 Bday gals: Adeq + Mel

Carlo's Canteena : yummy beef enchiladas This is my car: Extremeeeee :) haha

Another year is ending, and although i was lucky enough to get a 2 week break to fly back and celebrate some year end holiday-cheer with my family and friends; i'd have to say that i'm feeling a bit down still.

It's the whole leaving, goodbyes and the knowledge that once i step on that plane, and later turn the keys of my front door back in Makassar, no one will be home, waiting for me.

No annoying kids running around asking me to take them out.
No more screams or even tears shed from a harmless sibling wrestle-match.
No one to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch football.

You get my drift. but then again, i do know that if i have all that to worry about way over there, it probably won't be easy to finish my studies by 2010.

In 2 weeks; i have had a blast. Baking cookies, muffins and yes, eating loads and loads of cuppacakes (thank you Naurah ;) There was that lovely picnic at Lake Gardens (yes mum, thank you for the map...i...wouldn't have made it there without you. hehe)
which ended at kopitiam.
Back to back karaoke sessions at Redbox?! Oh the songs we picked. The windbreaker wearing rapper of the 90's, haha. those were good times.

Ahem. Now, on to the serious stuff.

Next department: N-E-U-R-O-L-O-G-Y

Am i prepared? Heck, i'm far from prepared.



Just in case i won't have time later to type this in. here's my New Year's resolutions: 2009

  • Finish Level 1 & half of Level 2 Clinicals!
  • Travel to Europe/ Asia (i keep putting this more!) in between my breaks
  • Be more thrifty with my monthly allowances..
  • Stop eating so much junk...ok.maybe reduce junk food intake (i need to practice what i preach..haha)
  • Recycle, Reuse, and be more Environmental friendly! (the earth needs our help)
  • Read read and read more books. (I am never as knowledgable as i ought to be.)
  • Cook more, talk less and sleep whenever possible. (yes yes yes.)

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Oven mitts


I'm always up for a facelift -of my blog that is. Though there are some link errors here and there. gonna try to fix it soon.

Raya haji is around the corner. 2 days to go. wish everyone was here.


Tuesday, 11 November 2008

B a n a n a - N u t s

Someone asked me what the heck- was i talking about..the whole banana-nut muffin cravings? well. Here's a recipe of it i found and trust to get your taste buds tickling with sweetness.
try it and u shall seee....if only i had an oven over here.


  • 1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1 1/4 cups mashed ripe bananas (about 3 large)
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • 1/4 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted
  • 1/4 cup milk
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 cup unsalted macadamia nuts, toasted, chopped


Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease twelve muffin cups or line with muffin papers. Sift first 4 ingredients into large bowl. Combine bananas, both sugars, butter, milk and egg in medium bowl. Mix into dry ingredients. Fold in half of nuts. Divide batter among prepared muffin cups. Sprinkle tops of muffins with remaining macadamia nuts. Bake until muffins are golden brown and tester inserted into center comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Transfer muffins to rack and cool.

VoiLa! you have the best breakfast muffins ever. trumps blueberries anytime. ;)


I am procrastinating. yet again. it just feels sooooo... good?

this week i only have one shift; or they would call it 'jaga 1'.(thank you minggu 1 peeps for cming in! huhuh..sha, joe and sarah..heee) but am still about 2 status short.

dr.Sonny will only tolerate my procrastination till Monday i think. so what am i still typing this?

maybe the excitement of having my own internet line in the comfort of my own home is still getting to me.

okay. ten more minutes. and i'm gonna get back to work. really. i am.

ini adalah nasi goreng chicken roll . it was not so yummy. huhuh.

i still want that banana nut muffin..pfft. and the apple pie ala' mode..

Friday, 7 November 2008

Snip Snip!

I did the most deliberate thing this evening after dinas shift was over.

I said "hooray, obama won!" a day too late. haha. and...

I got a

An expensive cut that i've been avoiding for over a year (yet keep telling my friend, ahem.. hehe..that i was going to get it done), all in 30 minutes-plus the hair mask and treatment of course ;)

no idea why i did it. just suddenly felt like chopping it all off.

and now i feel young and weightless.

hee hee. oh no. i'm cracking myself up.

Aren't those tell-tale signs of something?


Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Psychotic and non-psychotic

We took the MMPI test yesterday, after registering with the residents of the psychiatric departments.

MMPI stands for the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. To see our unconcious mind whether we ourselves have mental disorders or not. funny.

Day One
+ reporting for duty
+ introduction to the department by residents
+ instructions for case handling and assignments with supervisor and personal resident guide.
(i got the so called angelic Dr.Sonny Lisal, Sp.KJ)
+ on call schedule given out and lucky me. straight away tonight was my shift to 'jaga'

afternoon shift: 2pm-9pm
night shift: 9pm-7am
office hours: 7.30am-2pm

As excited as i was to be the first to jaga malam, i was kind of scared. and intimidated by the howls of such psychotic patients in my care.
thankfully only 2 patients required me to do a 3 hour follow up.
One patient was a B20 patient with TB and dyspnea. She was the one we all had to worry about.

i ended up only sleeping between 3-5 am. my first sleepless night inside the co-ass chamber. we accepted 3 patients in the middle of the night with complaints of rage and hallucinations.


a lot of people say working in the psych department can drive u crazy. i used to think that wasn't true. but 2 days in and i do think i'm no different than some of them that are sleeping in these wards that i roam. Okay, so i don't think i'm GOD..or is paranoid that an FBI agent is gonna kill me..but u know what i mean.

Sunday, 2 November 2008

F r e e d o m

one down. many more to go.

i read the other blogs. flipped through the many photos.
sighed at every vacation recounted, sniffed at every tragedy. then i realized,
i myself have not written anything here to give anyone else a picture of the short
3 weeks i spent in the radiology department.

Trust me. everyone has stories to tell.

the first week was a breezy one with many a doctors leading and guiding us new travelers of the radiology hall. We were given a log book, thick empty pages for us to fill with everything and anything we see while we cruise.

How we identify and diagnose a patient without even meeting the patient.(except the ones that come for an MRI a CT, or ultrasound and the occasional HSG)

But technically, all we need is knowledge, a bit of imagination and super-sized eagle eyes to spot the blurry details of a thorax photo.

Exams were a whirlwind of blank looks and possible answers - there were 2 exams. An oral exam on our research paper and such..and the final photo-reading exam. Thankfully i made it through both on friday and jumping straight into psychiatry on monday.

hmm..vague, aren't i? next entry maybe. :D cheers

Monday, 13 October 2008


adrenaline pumping, heart racing, knees go weak and sweat starts to trickle down the sides of my forehead.

first days always make me nervous. first time for anything; anything at all. Whether it is the first day of school, first exam paper, firsts..

today was no exception. it was more or less what we expected.

but only 8 hours and my legs are weak from the standing. and the rushing about following doctors around.

more to come. more to do. this is only the beginning of it all. phew...

deep breaths. deep breaths.

Monday, 6 October 2008

Back to Reality

i am leaving for Mkassar today. in 12 hours i would have to check in for that dreaded flight.

yep. and I'm still high strung on the 'holiday syndrome'

bad news is, my sis just got admitted to the hospital a few hours ago. Her asthma acting up again. I feel bad for still having to leave while she's being monitored; but there is nothing much i can do. i leave her my best wishes and prayers to be well again.

shoes. bags. skirts. some bits and pieces of furniture, my cam and computer gadgets. sighs. all strewn across the floor waiting for me to pick them up and stuff em' into my bag. wait; which bag? dilemma. books, books and the endless mountain of books i thought i could carry. 15kgs...who am i kidding. air asia should make it 15 kg per bag, they already are charging each bag we bring..haiyah.

will miss home. my dearly beloved siblings. teman-teman ku juge.

back to reality.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Eid Mubarak

Just tagging in to wish everyone a Selamat hari Raya or Happy Eid Mubarak.

Here i would like to extend my most sincere apologies for any wrongdoings, either intentionally or by accident that may or may NOT have hurt you. I am human and not perfect in anyway, so mistakes or human errors are bound to happen.:)
let's start over with a clean slate eh? have a good holiday everyone, cheers.

p/s: i shall put up photos soon. heehee. being with the family is always a plus.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

War & Peace

why can't we all just get along?

headlines all over the papers carrying the names of our nations leaders and politicians; giving false proclamataions, and later adding on excuses and scandal other than that of conspiracies against him and our nation.

Puh-lease. i know you know where i stand, but really.

i am so sick of my country's current political condition. we currently still have a leader. we are not at war with outsiders, but we re at war within ourselves. And for what purpose?

focus people. The world is bigger than us. we have to focus on our people's issues. like the current state of safety? and the increase in crime rates?

do something about THAT why don't you? and to those kids who write and talk shit about politics. It's not cool to dish dirt and sound confident when u have no idea what's going on. it does not make one seem intelligent. it's just sad.

Seven - written by Najah Alwi

Bittersweet Chaos and Beautiful Disasters...
Today at 4:44am
So, seven...
not two, not three, but seven.
Sometimes you hear about more, but I’m gonna just ramble about seven.
I know about seven. I am the seven.
Seven my lucky number. Seven Siblings. Seven Little Terrors...including moi, myself and I.

Seven sets of eyes, seven pairs of shoes, fourteen sets of kicks,
A hundred forty toes and fingers,
Seven birthdays, seven stubborn-headed, contrasting individuals,
Five girls and two boys,
Seven shouting voices, different pitches ~depending on tempo and mood- gruff in the morning, more calmer round the eve or dinner time,
Seven fashion spin (stolen dresses, shoes, and yes even straighteners!)
Seven music tastes blaring into the air,
Seven mouths to feed (albeit two very HUGE ones)... or the allergies/special requirements/ just being sulky...
Two would be giggling, while the other two will be sobbing , one will be hiding, the other two probably just watching and shaking their heads...
One takes the lead, the three tries to defy, two half heartedly obeyed, there will always be one that gets away...
At times there were Four against one, or Two against Three, sometimes we get too tired, we all just go out and have ice cream instead.
Or go watch the movies.
Or .
Divide errands.
Or just hang out and play... Jenga, Monopoly...
recipe for unruliness, turmoil and disorder of all sorts.
Seven is diversity.
Seven is me... + six mini me’s.
Catastropic Messy Me's.

Selamat Hari Raya little ones. Maaf Zahir Batin.Cant wait for the fam pic with Nabawi and Naufal outdoing each other. Love lots ;)

=- i took this and just post it up because i think its beautifully written. simple but precise. :) and she's my sister anyway. heehee=-

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Sahur Sahur!

its 3.10 am and i am having trouble sleeping. NOT that I've had too much sleep.In truth I've only slept for a maximum of 5 hours yesterday, and 3 hours the day before. Jet lagged? Now that's pushing it too far. hehe.

Trying insanely hard to put up photos of my Grad day for my sis to see. And old KKN shots that i took and really desperately want to share with the world; but failing miserably.

So here i am, blog hopping to see if anyone has updated in the last month. Got tired of my old template, so decided to change it as well. Still don't feel like this is me. But this shall have to do for a while.

I just realized that over here in Malaysia nobody cares if you get up for sahur or not. In Makassar, we get woken up as early as 2.30 a.m by the calls from the mosque and a few assigned teens that walks through the housing areas banging on gates and glass bottles to wake the residents up.

Calls of "sahur, sahur," in different melodic verses can be heard and shall only cease when you get up and turn on the bloody living room lights for all the other dwellers to see.

Funnily enough, i find it refreshing.

Happy sahur everyone. It is another day down ;)

Tagged: 15 little known facts

Rules :
1. Each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4. No tags back!!

how sure r u i'm being perfectly honest? :D here we go;

1. I actually memorize lines from movies that i love..+ hand movements, expressions and accents yes; and i can break into a dialogue sometimes when a situation calls for it. Like when i watch the same movie over and over; i little known fact 1.

2. I hate waiting for people when they bum a ride for me. my limit is 20 minutes. If i stay silent when u get in the car. i'm pretty pissed.

3. I love and know all disney animated songs by heart. hello? "I can show you the world..." "hakuna matata" even mulan's, "i'll make a man out of you"

4. I vow to eat less every day of the week and NEVER follow through :P and became a vegetarian for 5 days.

5. I secretly want to be Angelina Jolie. Gorgeous, Intelligent, warm-hearted yet intimidating as hell. Having Brad Pitt on my arm is not a bad bonus either right?

6. I literally am a klutz with my hand phone. I've dropped it, smashed it, left it everywhere, lost it and even now i have no idea where my phone is. "Eh, have you seen my phone?" is synonymous with the name Nadiah Alwi.

7. i get tired texting past the 7th sms.I'm the phone-call type. my fingers aren't strong enough to keep pushing the buttons.

8. When I'm studying i like to do my hair in many different styles. Sometimes I'd start with a braid, after 2 hours of studying I'd twist it into small Leia-like buns. and sometimes I'd play with a scarf and wrap it; Alicia Keys style.hehe.its a weird habit.

9. I simply LOVE RPG (Role Playing Games) Games on my PS2. i love watching the 3D graphics, i am always fascinated by the story lines and characters they come up with. Final Fantasy 8, Legend of Dragoon was a fave and Breath of Fire was classic. I can play and not sleep for a whole 2 days, Just to finish the quest.

10. I don't like it when people see me cry. I somehow miraculously believe that it shows that i am weak. it isn't just me right?

11. I like it when tall guys have to bend down to hear me talk. because i like feeling small. hehehe.(not much of a request since I'm only about 5"1..)

12. I made a long list of things to do before i turn 25. And now i have 2 years to complete it all.Which i am not confident i can finish..although i have crossed off quite a few.

13. I fear the thick skinned and slimy lizards of all walks of life. cockroaches i can deal with, snakes too. but not lizards. they r just creepy.

14. Love writing, as in letters, old school hand-written letters to friends and family members even though my hand writing is barely readable. And i used to have quite a hand full of pen-pals; Ornsiri Vorayos (Thailand) Emma (U.S.A). Kat (Asia) and a few others..(err..forgot their names- means it never got further than 2 letters maybe. haha)

15. Finally, i have
no freakin idea
what i am doing with my life. So I'm taking it day by day and pray to Allah S.W.T that whatever i choose to do is going to get me through my life blissfully ;)

how weird are those facts? not so much eh?

i'm tagging: zaza, kak wani, farissa, faiza, farahana, shida and hazel-nut!

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Why so serious?

KKN is over,

and yes Kak Wani. i am one of the few that keeps playing each detail of everyday in my head, and reminisce the "beautifully painted" good times i had.

And honestly, it was 3 parts fun + 2 parts stress for me. personally. I made new friends, improved my local knowledge and interaction skills, helped the local community as fas as i was able and came home feeling relieved yet a bit empty.

Maybe its because when i got home, my house was empty. My housemate wasn't back yet, my pets Ella and Mocha were still at H's house. I unpacked, cleaned the house, did my laundry and just sat in the living room thinking of the others; how we would usually play cards at this hour. Or walk together to the 'bakso stall'. Heck, i even miss the morning banter for the bathroom rights.

But i am postively cured now. How can i not be? even when KKN was over a week ago, my posko mates and i have met up twice for karaoke sessions. And boy they had a lot of fun. Surprisingly, whatever tension we saw between some parties earlier on were faded down to Nil. Which i was happy about.

Oh, and I got my KKN grade too. A ;) Alhamdulillah.

Now..i am again stressed..but for the preparations of this coming grad ceremony. Sure, its only for S.Ked. Our 1st graduation. But wearing the robe and cap is a right i think we all earned after these long 3 years eh? So why so serious?

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Oh what Luck!

Came home for the second time during my 8 week posting and yes. it has been a struggle.

IN the last week, my kordes (group coordinator) and our only other male group member was involved in an accident. they both attained quite visual bruises and cuts; which turned out to go deeper than what was visible. So, they were taken back to Makssar, the main town for treatment. So we were going then , going to be without a coordinator, nor any male counterpart for the most busiest week of our stay.

then Wayan, the coordinator went ahead and told me to coordinate our messed up group. I was already treasurer with much hatred blown my way for somkehow taking the post away from the previous treasurer. So i refused at first, then i realised in truth that my group mates have been taking it all for granted. No work gets done without the boys. i wanted to change that.

And so only after 2 days of my holding the post, i was labelled "Power-crazy chick".
Yes, i made sure nobody showers more than 10 minutes and woke everybody up by 6. But in my defense, our programs started at 8. I'm a planner. for things that i know, i can control.

Today though, is a different matter.

heidy Ika and I left our post in Suppa at 6 am to arrive in campus at 10.30am. Alhamdulillah i found out i got an A in acupuncture! Although Huey beat me to the highest score. i was just ecstatic that i could graduate this september. Then we went up to the production house; where we were supposed to take our grad photo (all dolled up in kebaya and bun) only to find it empty and locked. We were told we should come back tomorrow.

All happy and with one goal in mind (de-stress) we headed to MP (mall panakukkang) for lunch and a movie. (Batman two rocks. though it is a tad long. Joker is saddistic. yet classic.) by the time i got home, it was 8pm. And just when i turned the lock of my front door, all the lights went out. Dang.

So i waited it out in the dark, illuminated by the few candles i could find for 40 minutes before i gave up waiting and decided to go to a friends house and shower.
On the way though, i misstepped in the middle of the road and broke the strap of my brand new sandals. I dragged my feet all the way to Rusunawa (the apartment building) amidst the laughter of a few passerbys.

Oh what luck. Thankfullly that friend was home and got to clean myself, shower and pray before i settled in to update my laptop as well.

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe i'm just meant to get abother pair of shoes. Hehe.

I may be deemed power crazy. but at least it works. for these people. and me. I know i can do it.:0)

Thursday, 17 July 2008

It was still early in the day, about 2 hours after leaving the house, we were already in Pangkep.
I sitting on the passenger side of Huey's Honda jazz as i took in the breathtaking view.

In a moment, i felt a sense of deja vu. The view was not exatcly the same (how can it ever be?) but so similar..rocky beach side to my left, as we drove a narrow barrier-less road, with sloping greenish hills to my right. I was taken back to my road trip in NZ with my sis. The only thing different was my companion, and the music playing in the background.

Sulawesi is a cyclist's paradise; or so i read in an article once. It was writteb by a norwegian cyclist who travelled this very road i was on with his son more than once (i believe he said four). driving away from the hustle and bustle (or dust and noise) of Mkassar, i found the rest of the southern island to be peaceful and beautiful. Pangkep is a small, clean and organised. Pare=pare; my point of destination was a bit more of a complicated town with winding hills and increasing traffic. But cleaner, and more peaceful to the eyes than mkassar was.

Anyway, the drive to my post was only 4 hours long, and it turned out that the village i was posted to was one of the few modern ones. At least more than 40% of the residents had functioning toilets (be it indoors or outdoors), access to clean water and good sense of hygiene to keep away diseases. However, my post was known for experienceing endemics of DHF (dengue High fever) and HIV positive patients. Wasn't i scaredwhen i found out..

All in all, we are sent to do our jobs and help the residents to overcome the health crisis and educate them towards a better understanding of how everything SHOULD be. And we are given 8 weeks to do so.

Its been 3 weeks now, and the most i got to learn is that these people are pretty hard headed. Some would accept your help, and knowledge but most would choose to live ignorantly. This is definitely a challenge. And i am still trying to find ways to reach some of them.

We have planned programs that includes:
- public toilets
- sewage lines
- bird flu and DHF awareness
and etc.

4 weeks. that's how much time we have left to act upon our research and evaluate the outcome of our actions.

so far, i have to admit. it has been fun.

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Leaving so soon

I met my KKN group mates today.

one denstistry student. 2 from nursing. 4 from community healthcare. and 4 of us from the medical faculty. awkward at first. there were only 2 men among us, wayan and ichwan; my fellow classmates.

Thankfully my supervisor turned out to be a very trustworthy maternal figure of a pharmacist. Who gave me the greenlight to arrive 2 days ater than the rest for i have to sit for my final (yes..always a final) acupuncture theory paper on the day of the BIG trip.

Found out as well that the village we are posted to is not too far from the main town. And the best news i could accept was that the toilet shall be indoors. Alhamdulillah!

Don't know if i would have the time to pop in and write a few words before i do leave this Wednesday as my days are now full with seminars, my acupuncture classes and skill labs. Besides having only 2 nights to study and then find a car to drive us out of town. Phew. hectic. hectic.

Will jot down a little something if i get to return before the 7 week of posting ends.

Pray for me!

Flowers for Algernon

I finally finished this book after a long month of putting it off at the beginning of page 16; of course it was all for a good cause. Had too many exams close knitted week after week- and yes. Alhamdulillah I passed it all! (Do notice I dutifully exchanged ‘aced’ with ‘passed’ because I have no idea what my grade actually is.)

And how I feel for Charlie.

Even innocent little Algernon. Without the flowers on his grave.

The inexplicable truth is brilliantly written, explained and argued on limitations of human intelligence.

We search for it, attain it; and yet we still do fear it.

Why is it; in most of our minds the image of brilliance is one of Einstein with his unruly hair and crazy eyes, or poor old Isaac Newton? Even the ‘western idealism’ of smarts in interpreted into what we all know as the skinny, bespectacled kid a.k.a nerds.

Those aren’t the only greats of knowledge; you and I both know it to be true.

The journey Charlie takes from being a mentally retarded human being, well-loved and reasonably liked (or so he perceived), into a brilliant, knowledge fueled curious man. All in his own words and experiences.
Easily identifying all his past faults and mistakes in his mentally challenged perception into his newly educated, and normally functioning life he loses his friends, job and his trust and adoration of man kind.

I would suggest you pick it up and open your eyes to what lies beneath 

“What is wrong with a person wanting to be more intelligent, to acquire knowledge, and understand him and the world?” –Charlie Gordon

“Charlie, it’s not meant for man to know more than was given to him to know by the Lord in the first place. The fruit of that tree was forbidden to man. Charlie, if you done something you weren’t supposed to- you know, like with the devil or something-maybe it isn’t too late to get out of it. Maybe you could go back to being the good simple man you was before.”

E:\pics\SNAPSHOTS\2008\May\misc\lepak 216.jpg
E:\pics\SNAPSHOTS\2008\May\misc\lepak 216.jpg
God is great. His powers are not limited, so thus neither is His knowledge. So, what we achieve and what is given to us even in our journey or our search for something is all meant for us. If it wasn’t; we would not be able to find it in the first place. We always see only what we want to see. It’s human. We are limited. And we are not without our flaws.

Friday, 13 June 2008

Fly, away, fly.

"Heaven isn't a place; heaven is perfection."
a quote from Jonathan Livingston Seagull. A book, belonging to my sister that i have just read about a couple of months back. It is quite a famous book. By Richard Bach.
It was known for its wisdom in aeronautical literature intertwined with a tale of personal discovery.
The latter always making it an interesting read.

It was not only one quote that i picked up from reading it, but a few. so here i am just thinking of sharing it because it actually is crossing my mind at this very minute. Though it might not be word for word, maybe you'll think of the hidden meaning beneath it as i did. ;)

"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"

here, i salute the friendship i have had with those of you, expanding time and space, mostly for over ten years now, ;)you know who you are and i appreciate your friendship

"We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill."
-Jonathan Livingston Seagull-

Before i doze off. hehe. pick up the book if u r curious. ;)

Currently still reading: Flowers for Algernon (have not moved for ovr a week)


Top left: Adilah, Ems, Tas, Sakinah Bottom left: Adeq, Has, Zazzy, Dots

The song i've been playing on my phone is now stuck in my head
I even saved it as my message tone. ;) Love the simplicity of the superfluous voice over the tinkering of the piano. 'Love song' by Sara Bareilles.

So, here, today. Just gonna share it with you. Because listening to all those sappy love stories, or awful romance trials the people around me have gone through, i just like this song. makes no sense eh? right.

Sara Bareilles Lyrics
Love Song Lyrics

and while i am busy printing my flipcharts for the 4th time! (you see how i can get all riled up by what this course is costing me?) went through some photos of Tash she updated on Fb.

Just realised how much i miss em all.

This morning i received a text from Dot, planning a quick getaway trip to Penang. And yeah, it would have been great to be able to reply a yes (after so many sorry's and can'ts in the last few years) but had to turn it down.

Dids use to tell me how she feels at times looking at photos of our friends back home and feeling left out. but we know how it is. We'll be back, for everything..even if we have missed most of the moments. there will be more to look forward to.

Now, if only i can get this flip chart done.

Tuesday, 10 June 2008


i just realised that the last post was quite barren.

there was a picture that was supposed to be put up, but due to technical problems refused to show.

No matter, i found out just a few minutes ago that a friend of my just lost his mother. She passed away on Monday, and all i could do was text him my condolensces.

He didn't reply, and i didn't expec him to. What could he say? i myself didn't exactly know what to text him, just to let him know that i knew what happened. I could say i was sorry. But i guess it wouldn't have helped him in anyway. But i always thought it was courteous and only the right thing to do.

Being far, or at a distance. Even in these modern times can be trying. Sure, technology can cut away the distance you say, but technology is not everywhere. There are parts and limitations to its outreach. At least in between third world countries there are. AT least here, there is.

Phone lines are always crackling, internet is slow, or limited. Then even text messages don't get sent on time. What was meant to an emergency txt, is delivered and unsent till the very next day.

I am ranting. and rambling. and complaining. and i'm still in the city.

I wonder what it'd be like when i'm not. Time will tell. another 19 days to go.


Thursday, 5 June 2008


Haven't been sleeping well the past few days.
so i made this. It took me 20 mins.and yes.

i am an amateur.

thought i'd liven up my blog space. ;)


Yesterday was the 4th of June. Maybe it's not a good thing for me to remind myself of someone who is gone; but yesterday would have been his 77th birthday. Today, during presentation i received another notification of death of a loved one. But this time he was only 3 years old. Lee; adorable yet annoying Lee Kuan Yew (yes, we named him after the S'pore president..oddly enough my grandfather named his cat Lee too.So it was in his honor we gave him that name)

So really, i am not in mourning of the loss of my cat, but the loss of another part of the memory i kept of my late grandfather. it's been two years; almost two years since he left us. But as anyone who have lost a loved one would say that it still feels like yesterday.

To me at least; and i know my sister us having an even harder time whenever little reminders of Baba creeps up. I was with him when it happened. When everything started to go downhill.
But yesterday, all i did was mull in front of the computer to deal with my tutorial reports and snuck a few episodes of House in between to avoid falling asleep. Wasn't even paying attention to the date. Untill i got the text from my sister.

Yeah, guilt was all over me then. How could i forget? in my defense, these past few days have been really hectic so i had the dates jumbled up really. But still, the guilt is there.
When do you start to let go? I know life has to go on and it has. But when you start to forget; does it portray you as a machine? cold. heartless. or just forgetful?

I wonder. I hope i won't forget next year.

So here's to Lee, a beloved cat who was mostly stuck up but pretty and so annoyingly loving that we always pushed him away. Hope Tigger isn't so lonely.

Saturday, 31 May 2008

a beginners guide

If you are reading this, which i doubt you are, welcome!

this would be; i could say the fifth blog page i've ever written in. Despite the fact that i once vowed to stop writing crap that i'm sure nobody reads anyway. two years back. I am, in my heart and soul a writer. Or so i would prefer to believe so.

Truthfully, it is a far better way to spend my precious free time ranting or rambling (putting the title description to good use here) to an unknown audience (this saying i actually have one) than staring at my TV screen watching dvd's all day. Did i mention my free time?

Also, i always thought my opinions should be heard, that is way i make such a good conversationalist (yeah, i wish). Anyway..the last two posts i put up here was merely an appetizer to what kind of things i will soon paste up here. And yeah, they were actually the few previous posts i had in my other blog pages; which is visibly inactive at this stage. but hey, those were good times...

In light of my layout, it was chosen by a good friend..though today i was thinking of changing it again. something darker and more subdued..they way i always had it. BUt i'm thinking i should keep it vibrant and eye-catching. So, i am in a dilemma. To change or not to change. It is fairly i may keep this layout for awhile. Untill i can find a more suitable one..or manage to get a friend to design one for me.

SO here it is; what i would say a short ( is kinda short for an opening specch no?) intro to what is my blog. expect some mind-boggling bits of literature on my part next. AS i say au revoir for now ;)

Reading more of my time-consuming novel these days.and trying to go green all the way.

learned lessons

Something to remember

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

Found this a few years back. and i thought it taught me a few things. if not a lot.

Dining table never lies

I just loved this piece. :) Written by a friend, so i thought i'd share it. i put it up once in a blog owned 4 years back. so as a tribute to the few articles i shared, here's one to kick off my new blog. do enjoy the read.


Our migration into Kuala Lumpur started as turning a fresh page in a book, but it soon progressed so rapidly, we literally opened a whole new book. The days we were spending together at our dining table for breakfast together became too strenuous, as we were afraid that one second late would bury us deep into heavy traffic on our way to the office. We soon exclaim it to be more convenient to buy curry-puffs at the foot of our office buildings and eat between busy phone calls with clients, contractors and suppliers.

Micro evolution of identity actually starts at home, as simple as deciding what to have for breakfast and recap encounters we had that day as we have our dinner. I firmly believe the food that our devoted mothers stir on her kitchens sets to determine our inner self identity. Regardless of our personal backgrounds, we regard our family community as something of our own charm and a stamped property.

If we were to compare what simple mothers prepare for the family in the rural areas with the urban’s, bold enough is the amount of attention given. What is a ritual and affectionate routine to some has become a commotion to the others. The end user of this simple task will go out to contribute to the society at large, and eventually shaping the nation. If architecture is about making human being comfortable and supportive of their milieus, then mummy’s breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper is the root of it all.

The big question is the depleting role of mothers in this fast urban life has significantly evolving, supplementing on our physical operations everywhere in the world. From the nasi-lemak-and-hot-tea to the Kellogs-Cornflakes-and-milk, we embrace ourselves, step outside the house and try to make a decent living.

The evolution of activities and demands makes urban mothers relatively busy, synonymous to an urban culture. The passion to feed healthy food becomes redundant; mothers opt for professional mamak stalls for help. We too, engaged and submit ourselves to the abundance of non-maternal victuals. This sole reliance, apart from distributing unnecessary familial wealth to strangers, is also ubiquitous. Slowly, the values of personal identity are lost in the demand of culminating monetary wealth.

Prototyped families, colonised in time are everyday losing a battle in sustaining their identity. As the urban life is all about pursuit, ‘instant mothers’ from international chains took over the routine of eating. This, in a general picture, makes mothers negligible, fathers financially-fragile and children spoilt, for choices, health, and the trademark the family holds. There is no more special dumplings, or mum’s hot chicken curry when everything you consume in the food courts are superficial and plain tasteless.

Food industry, no longer exclusive to our mothers, is now a gigantic and impersonal entertainment to the manufacturers as they continue to colonise our taste buds. How do we count our personality to differ from the family next door if the food we are now consuming consists of smaller modules of BigMacs, Cokes, Haagen Dazs and Starbuck’s fresh-brewed coffee? Our taste buds are now so globalised, we will get the same tang everywhere, even in remote towns. Are we no longer craving for the extra spicy sambal petai, and succulently sweet bubur kacang?

Even all attributes such as the provision of hypermarkets, one of the symbols of urban life, ease the needs to feed the family; we still awe ourselves at losing grip of our distinctiveness. This is an extremely important feature of the way we perceive this small chapter of ‘ourselves’, making the evolution of personal identity a remarkable feat to sustain. By contrast, this is a parallel with the issues of urbanisation, making our every sensible worth intangible.

If time is considered as an invaluable treasure, it may be honest to some, to sacrifice mum’s dinner so more time could be spent to fine-tune the multi-million dollar project proposal. This subjective anticipation will never drown the perception of domestic business is just too consuming. If architecture for human anticipates economy, surrounding and social matters, then a mother’s roles (as a catalyst for familial integrity), regardless our geographical location; in shaping the better part of us is more relevant than ever. What is therefore more appropriate to generate domestic economy to improve our environment and moral values as an identity to boast with pride? Are we not the least bothered with the fact that our mothers are on every corners of the city? We do claim that we are two very different people, are we not?

Yes, urban life makes us too hectic to entertain our basic needs, more importantly, too wretched to spend quality time with our family. Urbanisation has indeed imposes an impact, be it positive or otherwise, on every its inhabitants. What was once a simple task becomes a life threatening decision. The already complex human psyche is now struggling to fiddle with technology no longer applicable the next day they get off the bed. The fact is inevitably true but somehow, I wake everyday longing for that hot banana dumplings and extra thick coffee. Home-made, extra crispy and coffee seeds at the ring of my mug.

+ Don’t eat fish, they piss in the water (Jane Jones – Closer, 2005)

written by Syah.

-can't wait to read more of his scribbles..!